ramblings of a new mother: 3 months post pregnancy.

04 Monday Jun 2012

Posted by in Pregnancy

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We become mothers and fathers overnight. We change our lifestyles (sometimes), and as mothers, we often change our appearances, lightening our hair, chopping it off, changing our style. We strive to accommidate our baby (whether we like it or not), breastfeeding friendly clothing and all.

The other night I was up at 3:00am, and feeling ravenously hungry, so I ate a muffin on the couch, lights off, the hazy glow of the street lamp flooding my living room. It reminded me of pregnancy, when I was up every, single night, usually around midnight, feeling  throbbing hunger pangs in my tummy, a clammy queasiness working it’s way through my body. I would crawl back in bed, the taste of Cheerios and almond milk on my lips, too tired to re brush my teeth, but hating the taste in my mouth.

I came across a journal entry recently, that I wrote during pregnancy, and it shocked me, and terrified me, since I’m already wondering what it would feel like to be pregnant again…

Somedays I have been so sick, I feel like my life is over, like I will die. I cry like I’ve never cried before, sorrow, fear, pain, exhaustion all seeping out of my pores. I am praying it passes everyday.

It’s summer, it’s hot. I love being in my bed, in the dark, with a cool cloth and the fan on high. Sometimes I pour water all over my belly and my face to cool off.

I also found an album on my ipod that I played every night in the summertime dusk, concentrating on the blank wall, willing myself not to throw up. It’s a compilation of scripture relating to childbearing accompnianed by piano. I needed it every night to make it through. It was a ritual that helped propel me forward. Just one more day. Just one more minute, until eventually I could fall asleep, sitting upright, still as a lake at dawn.

“For you created my inmost being. You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, I know that full well…” Psalm 139.

That Bible verse and many others kept me going and going, a very effective mediation for my pregnant soul.

Today I put the album on again. At the first sound of the piano, I was thrown right back to the summer and fall of 2011. At at my feet, laying on her back looking up at me, was my little mustard seed, now named Florence. I stood there for quite some time staring at her face, her long body, the fuzz on top of her head. I put my hands to my empty belly. Did that happen? Is it over? I was stunned. Maybe I feel things too deeply, maybe I think about things too much, but I just cannot get over the miracle of pregnancy, the battles fought over toilet bowls and buckets and bits of food, cut into pieces small enough to swallow in one gulp. I know not everyone has a brutal first and second trimester, and I know a lot of women have a harder time than I did. I’m hopeful for the next pregnancy, hopeful that things will be different.

And yet…looking back, I cherish that time. I felt very much alone, but forged an intimate relationship with my God. I couldn’t express to Jay, to anyone how terrible I felt. My emotions were on standstill. All I could do was concentrate on each minute, each movement, the swell of saliva in my mouth right before I felt like throwing up. But….it passed, slowly, slowly, it passed. And the joy came. And the exhilirating adrenaline that accompnied the first and second trimester ebbed away as I settled into my pregnancy.

The heaviness came. The weight came. And three month ago, the miracle came.

Looking back…I gasp in wonder. How is possible that I forget what it’s like to be pregnant? How is possible that I want another baby! That I want to do it again? It’s grace. A cloudy amnesia settles over my mind whenever I look at pictures of myself pregnant. How lovely, I think. And it was. I’m so glad I can say that now. Tonight I’ll tuck myself into bed, just me, no round belly protruding through the sheets, no hiccups or kicks keeping me awake. I’ll look at a sleeping Florence and tell myself, “It can’t be.”

When I was pregnant, I found it hard to believe that I would give birth one day, that it would end, that a baby would emerge. Now that it’s over, I find it hard to believe that it all happened. No matter how I look at it, it’s nearly impossible to understand. It’s too great a miracle to comprehend.

For the first 24 hours after giving birth to Florence, I would look down at my belly, and cry hard fat tears of sorrow. “My baby is out, she came out! Jay, she came out! She’s not inside of me.” I don’t quite understand why I felt it so deeply, but I did, I felt the loss of her, the release. I would cry and cry on Jay’s shoulder, overwhelmed and overjoyed, reliving that moment when she suddenly became a warm, slippery mess of arms and legs, a real live being, placed on my chest for the very first time.

And because that moment changed me so deeply, because of her milk blistered lips and eyes that can’t cry real tears, because her fists didn’t open for months and her rolls of baby fat often smell like cheese, because of her and all these beautiful things, I will do it again.

the truth about cloth diapering.

28 Monday May 2012

Posted by in Lifestyle, Parenting

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I started Florence in cloth diapers at the 6 week mark. I was feeling more confident in my diapering/feeding/mothering abilities (which happens around that time, thank God) and Flo was no longer pooping 100 times a day.

The first day I strapped a lovely cloth diaper on her, I felt so wonderful. Like I was doing something nice for her, smothering her little tush in soft, white clouds, covered in pretty patterns. She felt comfortable enough to poop right away. I was terrified to open that diaper and tackle the contents. I wouldn’t be tossing the diaper into the bin this time. But I unsnapped and did what I could to remove the mess, tossed it in the bin…and realized it was pretty much the same as throwing out a disposable.

After two days, I decided to throw the load of dirty diapers into the washing machine. I am not going to lie—this post is called the truth about cloth diapering, after all—the smell was terrible. Revolting, rather. And at the moment, I asked myself if I could I do this every few days. Could I empty the bin of it’s eye watering, nasty contents? Could I die a little bit inside for 10-20 seconds (the amount of time it takes to transfer the load into the machine and slam it shut). Looking down at my little Florence cooing away on the change table, I decided I could. I love her so much—I even love her smells. I mean, I’m a little worried to leave her cloth diapered bum with a sitter, which these days, happens to be a good friend (thanks Suzi!) I will admit I don’t want anyone else but Jay and I near that stainless steel step can, because when it opens, it’s a bit like Armageddon for your nostrils. So I use disposables on occasion, to make life easier for everyone. One day I’ll take the time to explain the system to our friends and family, I’m sure. When I visit my parents, she’s in disposables, because they live a ferry ride away, and I’m not convinced Jay wouldn’t toss the wet bag of cloth diapers overboard after they’ve sat baking in the car for a few days.

I really do love cloth diapers. The smell is just as bad as disposable diapers in a bin. They all reek, it doesn’t matter how you do it. Whoever invented the Diaper Genie, knows a thing or two about stinky diapers.

I actually enjoy washing cloth diapers, because it’s oddly satisfying. I love to dry them in the sun, letting the natural light bleach them clean. I love how they come out white and fresh, an impossible thought when they first go in the wash. I love the snaps and velcro, the soft micro fleece, the colorful patterns, the way they sit in a neat stacked pile, smiling at me. I’m the person who actually digs through the pile, finding the pattern I like best. When you’re staring at a diapered bum so often throughout the day, it’s refreshing to see it covered in flowers or camouflage or zebra stripes.

Here’s another truth about cloth diapers: I put Florence disposables for overnight. I have some nice big hemp liners, which can be very useful for overnight, however, they just make her bum 10 times larger, and I have trouble finding a sleeper that fits. She also can’t move her legs an inch in either direction. I imagine as she gets bigger, the diaper will get smaller and things will even out nicely. But for now, I enjoy using disposables at night, because they do hold a bit more liquid. Cloth diapers need to be changed more often than disposables. For Florence, this amounts to a minimum of 5 microfiber liners a day. But remember, that could potentially equal 5+ disposable diapers a day, not including any poops, which is a lot. Because I use pocket diapers, I simply remove the insert when it’s full, or when I think it’s full, and slip in a fresh one. I change the actual diaper cover if it’s really wet, but since the diapers are lined with microfiber, the pee is wicked away from her skin so it feels dry.

microfiber and bamboo inserts.

the diaper liner and insert.

It took me a long time to wrap my head around all the liner, cover, insert, bamboo, microfiber terminology. But once I figured out what was what, how it all worked, and decided to stick with it (i.e didn’t buy any disposables when we ran out), I realized I loved it.

seafoam diaper! it’s adjustable (hence the snaps on the bottom) to fit her from now until she’s potty training.

Why do mums cloth diaper? They are frugal. Their baby has sensitive skin and reacts to the chemicals in disposable diapers. They love the environment. They know that cloth diapers no longer come with giant pins. They don’t like throwing giant bags of waste in the landfill. They like saving money because they’re frugal. Did I mention that already?

Yes, there is water usage and laundry soap to consider, but it’s really nothing. I wash every 2-3 days and hang to dry. I use a very economical laundry soap that’s made locally, which works out to be 25 cents a load for my top loader (15 cents if you have a HE machine). The start up cost of cloth diapers can be a bit overwhelming perhaps, but I  jumped right in a purchased $180 worth of diapers, which is all I need. I have 20 pocket diapers that will fit Flo from 8-35 lbs. I have enough liners, about 40. And I know in the cloth diaper world that $180 is very cheap for a full set. I haven’t experimented with other brands of diapers, or other versions. I’ve only used the very affordable Kawaii pocket diapers. I’m open to trying others though.

Finally, although my husband was not initially on board with the whole idea, he has now warmed up to it. But he never does the diaper laundry which is fine by me! I’m not convinced many dads like cloth diapers, but you know what, I don’t think they like diapers in general.

time for sharing: the beautiful blogger award.

24 Thursday May 2012

Posted by in Time For Sharing

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Today was a lovely day. After a long night, I was able to nap with Florence, for the first time. Ever. We napped from 9-11:30am, and it was nice, although I still hate napping. I woke up with a nap hangover (you understand if you get them too…) and silently kicked myself for crawling back in bed, but I knew I needed to catch up on the sleep lost. I looked around at the sunny world, already well on it’s way with the day, while I made my first cup of coffee. Everything felt foggy and I swore that I would go on a long, long walk with Flo later in the day… We made our way to the Soap Dispensary, where I purchased some cloth diaper friendly laundry soap (Enviro Wash) and some darling amber glass bottles for concoctions. It is a tiny little store, but I spent way too long in there. They had everything from wool dryer balls to to clove lip balm in compostable tubes to pine needle tea. Very neat.

Later on I spotted a tiny vintage dresser in pale pink with little glass knobs, perfect for our 1940′s rental home. I resisted a second cup of coffee, thankful for the nap, but also missing my comforting mid day ritual on the long walk home. Jay came home, and he weeded the garden, which is covered in tiny weeds. It was kind of neat to see our baby seeds sprouting into plants. Miniature versions of carrot tops and beet greens and kale and marigolds were popping up in between the weeds. What a beautiful sight!

A few days ago I noticed I was graciously given the Beautiful Blogger Award by a fellow blogger, Going Coverless.

What a lovely little treat. You are asked to nominate six other bloggers once you receive the award. Here are my current favourites:

Oaxacaborn

Love art baby

Mama in the City

exile fertility

A Modern Christian Woman

Seventh Acre Heaven

Happy weekending…

….gardening…

…sun drinking…

…coffee sipping…

…breast feeding…

…home cooking…

…napping…

and reading everyone!

giving birth: how it really feels.

22 Tuesday May 2012

Posted by in Family

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There have been some new babies born in my circle of friends and family. Last night I received a text message at 3:30am letting me know that my cousin had delivered a baby boy at home with a midwife and doula. I was up, just finishing a feed with Florence and it left me lying awake for a little while, taking deep, thoughtful, joyous breaths, reliving my own experience.

There is something magical about giving birth in the middle of the night. Although I wouldn’t consider Florence’s arrival at 1:37AM the middle of the night, the hours that followed sure were. You know that everyone else is sleeping, except your new family, and perhaps other mothers around the city that have just given birth. It’s one of those stunning, holy moments that takes your breath away. I cherish it everyday, although the warmth and familiarity of the moment are fading as time passes.

Now that I’ve experienced the wonders of giving birth and the thrilling and exhausting first few weeks with a newborn, I have a tenderness that I never had before towards new mothers. I imagine what they are doing with their new arrival, what the first night is like for them, what the baby sounds like and that delightful moment when the baby cracks open both eyes, wide and full of sleepy wonder.

Watching Florence sleep now, her chest rising and falling with a predictable rhythm, I’m reminded of her first night with us. How I couldn’t take my eyes off her. How I fretted over her unpredicatble breathing, the fast and slow breaths she would take, the groans and whimpers and grunts that had me swooning and worried at the same time.

She was a stranger to me, yet my daughter, well known and loved. I still remember those first moments, and I see that look in my eye right after birth…bewilderment, detachment from the situation. It was the most shocking moment of my life.

I dealt with it by holding back my words and breath and opening my eyes wide, trying to wrap my trembling arms around her. I could barely touch her with my hands, because my brain was stalled on that glorious and confusing moment of her arrival. After a few seconds (that felt like minutes) I placed my pale hands on her blotchy pinkish purple skin, noting the contrast, smearing the pasty vernix between my fingers. She was slathered in it, protected, nourished by this white gold. She wasn’t early, she was a few days “late”, and yet here she was, coated in vernix. My midwife said she had never seen a postdate baby so covered. During labor my doula constanly scooped the film of vernix from the tub. She was actually worried that Florence was going to be premature, and kept giving the midwife raised eyebrows (she told me this a few days later). I’m not sure why she was covered in it, but my midwife said it’s a sign of a healthy baby and a healthy pregnancy. I was both boggled and releived, because I believed my pregnancy was not ideal, in any way.

After that first touch, like kissing the ground after a long journey, I cried deep wrenching sobs that woke my spirit, that removed me from my shock. And I never looked back.

She was here. And she is here. She is just so different from that little soul I met on March 7th. She is no longer a stranger, no longer a part of me, like she was in the womb, but now a part of my heart. I am a part of her, and always will be. There are days I look back on her birth, with joy and sorrow. I will never have that precious time back. The woozy high that hits you after giving birth, I want to drink it in everyday, but it’s slipping from my memory. Instead I see her beautiful face, lighting up with smiles. She recognizes mama. And though I yearn for that holy moment of her arrival to wash over me again and again, I know that I won’t experience it again. Not with her. But, it will carry my mother heart through the rough and turbulent times to come. It’s just like the courting stage of a relationship, when the foundation of love is laid, thick and rich. When you see no fault in your lover, for the purpose of carrying the marriage through the inevitable arguments, rough patches and moments of silence to come.

She has ruined me in the best possible way.

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what I’ve learned as a natural product junkie.

18 Friday May 2012

Posted by in Health

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There a bazillion different chemicals out there that are not good for you or the planet. Now, I love my planet, but, call me crazy, I love humans more than animals! I love animals, I do, but if it’s not good for me, then I don’t flush it down my drain. I can’t possibly keep track of every little thing that may or may not affect the fish (sorry Mr. Suzuki). And many environmentally friendly products are not human friendly.

I really care what I put on my body and baby and what floats around my home. I would potentially consider myself a “crunchy mama” but I don’t make my own soap (yet) and I do buy products (because I’m a bit of a natural product junkie). Floating through the aisles of Whole Foods, reading labels, writing down ingredients, smelling, applying…it’s a bit of an escape for me. Plus, Whole Foods is kind of like my playground. So that in itself is an escape, and they have really great coffee with carafes of almond milk and the aisles are buggy friendly and…it’s embarassing really.

I do like to make my own products, but some things, like homemade shampoo, just don’t work for me. I don’t like the smell of apple cider vinegar spiked with lavender on my head. I don’t like baking soda on my body. Every so often I need a tube of Sensodyne for my sensitive teeth (thank you pregnancy). But, because I cut corners on some things (and let’s be honest, we all do it) I really like to go hardcore on others. These are the common chemicals I avoid. These are the ones I obsessively look for, and they are found everywhere. But you can be free from them! Start with your children. I swear Johnson and Johnson is trying to poison us all, especially our babies. They are the devil in the baby aisle.

Ok, I’m a bit dramatic, but they are evil. Throw in Aveeno Baby too. Check your labels mums and dads!

Sodium Lauryl Sulfate (SLS ) and Sodium Laureth Sulfate (SLES)

Common culprits: Shampoo, hand Soaps, detergents, mouthwash, body Wash and anything that foams and lathers.

Surprise! It’s often found in toothpaste, and even Tom’s of Maine natural toothpaste!

What is it?: This junk is in a lot of things, because it’s cheap. It has a drying effect and takes a long time to get out of our bodies, because the liver can’t metabolize it. It also mimics estrogen, which we all know is a bad thing (don’t get me started on the Pill! Scary stuff!)

Parabens (Methylparaben, butylparaben, propylparaben, sobutylparaben, ethylparaben or anything else paraben).

Common Culprits: Lotions, sunscreen, cosmetics, hair products, conditioner.

Surprise: It’s often found in Gripe Water.

What is it?: It’s a preservative that mimics estrogen in the body. It has been found in breast tumors, which means it could potentially cause cancer. It also affects male fertility and sexual function and can cause aging and DNA breakdown.

Tetrasodium EDTA

Common Culprits: Baby Wipes, lotions, sunscreen, cleaners, cosmetics, soap.

Surprise: It’s often found in processed foods like mayonnaise.

What is it?: It works as a preservative. The big thing to watch out for here is that many natural companies will use Tetrasodium EDTA instead of parabens. It is just as bad. It’s actually composed of formaldehyde and sodium cyanide (!!) and penetrates right into your blood stream when used. In itself, it may not be awfully harmful, but when used in conjuction with say, parabens or SLS, it works as a penetrator, allowing those chemicals to enter straight into your bloodstream.

Petrolatum and Petroleum

Common Culprits: Conditioner, hair products, lotions, petroleum jelly (vaseline), lip gloss/chap/balm/stick!

Surprise: Petrolatum is often found in many natural products, especially conditioners.

What is it: It’s a mineral oil. It has be linked to cancer, which is why the EU bans it, as they classify it as a carcinogen. Lucky Europeans. It’s not regulated in North America. If you’re going to avoid one, avoid petroleum.

Talc

Common Culprits: Baby powder, eyeshadow, face powder.

Surprise: It’s almost always in cosmetics like eyeshadow.

What is it: A powdered rock and a known carcinogen. It’s dangerous stuff. It is similar to asbestos, a well known cancer causing agent. If it’s used in the female genital area (which of course, is where baby powder is used) it can cause ovarian cancer. It has also been associated with lung cancer, when inhaled on a regular basis. There have been some terrifying reports of infants actually dying from excessive inhalation of talc. If it’s used routinely at the diaper changing station, it’s dangerous. Find talc free baby powder, or make your own.

Here’s a quick recipe for talc free baby powder:

  • 1 cup white clay
  • 1/4 cup arrowroot powder
  • 1-2 drops lavender essential oil

Mix well with your fingers. Put it in a spice shaker, or a parmesan cheese shaker, like I do! It smells divine and is oh so gentle for baby’s bum.

Note: You can find white clay at a health food store, Whole Foods, Finlandia and even some pharmecies.

Other chemicals to keep an eye on include:

Dibutyl phthalate, parfum, BHA and BHT, PEG’s, cocamide DEA and lauramide DEA.

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Baby products I’m fond of:

Aleva Naturals: really fantastic stuff. High quality and affordable. I love their baby washes, lotion and bamboo baby wipes. They also use essential oils, which is wonderful. Florence smells so naturally sweet after bath time, like oranges and lavender. I’m not the biggest fan of Burt’s Bee’s baby products because they contain parfums.

Live Clean Baby is good if your little one has sensitive skin and if you’re in need of a petroleum free jelly. I don’t use it, because I’m not fond of the “gentle baby smell” and I don’t use jelly. But I have used it in the past for myself!

Dimpleskins Natural Bum Bum Balm is cloth diaper friendly, smells divine, isn’t too oily and really works wonders.

Mama products I’m fond of:

Pacifica makes delightfult lotions and perfumes. Their lotions are luxuriously soft and the smell sticks around all day. They also have wonderful candles which really work for deodourizing. All natural scents too.

Anything and everything from Saje Natural Wellness. Love, love, love!

Talc free eyeshadows can be found at the Body Shop and Physician Formula has a Talc-Free line. Bare Escentuals makes wonderful talc free makeup and can be found at Sephora.

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essential oils: mama and babe.

16 Wednesday May 2012

Posted by in Family, Health, Recipes

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Tea Tree Oil

There are loads of ways to use tea tree oil, but two methods that I am particularly fond of. I ran into both issues with Florence, and I’m sure most mothers face these problems with a new baby: thrush and cradle cap.

For thrush my midwife suggested mixing one drop of tea tree oil with half a cup of purified water (I used distilled) and then swabbing the inside of baby’s mouth with a Q-tip. Although Florence gagged a bit, she didn’t seem to mind, especially because I washed it down with some milk! The thrush cleared up in a few days and I only swabbed her mouth twice. You can tell if it’s thrush and not simply the milky coating newborns get because it wont rub off with a cloth or it may bleed a little when touched.

I would humbly suggest avoiding gentian violet to treat thrush, as studies have been released that link it to cancer of the mouth. Of course, you may have to use a lot of it, but still. If you do decide it’s needed because the thrush is chronic, try using some non-petroleum jelly on baby’s lips before feeding, so the gentian violet doesn’t spread everywhere and cause purple mouth mayhem.

For cradle cap, I use a drop of tea tree oil mixed in with a natural and organic foaming shampoo I use for Flo’s scalp. Cradle cap can take some time to go away, but she has never had full blown cradle cap because I tend to it every day (a bit obsessively if you ask me). I brush her scalp with a soft baby brush, then run some coconut oil over the dry bits and comb through the flakes with a fine toothed comb. Then I finish with the tea tree oil shampoo mix and rinse well. I also put a little natural lotion on afterwards to keep her scalp supple.

What have your experiences been with thrush or cradle cap?

Now that I’m cloth diapering, I’m finding that using disposable wipes, however sweet and soft and organic they are, are a bit more of a hassle. I have two bins, one for disposable wipes and one for dirty cloth diapers. I use cloth wipes for pees, but am not quite ready to transition over to cloth wipes for the big #2. Little miss doesn’t go everyday, and on the days that she does go…well…it takes a few wipes and elbow grease and often a bath to get her clean! In my experience the best disposable wipes out there are Earth’s Best Chlorine Free Wipes. They have a fantastic texture, are moist enough, but don’t leave residue on baby’s bum, and of course, are nice and gentle. If you use disposable diapers, like I do on occasion, I also highly recommend their Chlorine Free Diapers.

I’m looking for some good cloth wipes to make the transition from disposable to cloth easier. I’ve been using old cut up receiving blankets, but as we all know, they fray after a while. I am not a sewer, so a simple surge or whatever you call it won’t do. I will probably buy some from eBay, since the only ones I can find around here are stupidly expensive and only come in 5 packs.

In any case, here is what I have hanging around Flo’s change station.

Babushka Mama’s Baby Bum Spray

  • 1 tsp liquid castile soap (I like Dr. Bronner’s Rose or Lavender soap)
  • 1 drop lavender essential oil
  • 1 drop tea tree oil
  • 2 cups distilled water

Mix together in a spray bottle, dilute if necessary. Use with cloth wipes. Some mums prefer simply using water, but I like to get the bum really clean, plus the essential oils are soothing and antibacterial. Distilled water avoids wasting water, because it can sit without growing any bacteria, which means you don’t have to change it every day.

Finally, every mama needs a perk. This is my favourite blend for spritzing.

Morning Glory Energizing Spray for Mama

  • 1/4 cup distilled water (usually fills a 3 oz spray bottle)
  • 1 tsp. alcohol
  • 10 drops grapefruit essential oil
  • 5 drops lime essential oil
  • 4 drops ylang ylang essential oil
  • 5 drops orange essential oil
Mix all ingredients together in spray bottle and give it a little shake. I shake my bottle before every spray, which is every morning, because this mama needs some energizing bright and early. Don’t we all!

dearest mum: woman of strength, beauty and wisdom.

11 Friday May 2012

Posted by in Family, Parenting, Pregnancy

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If you’ve ever met my mother, you know she is a real gem. She is full of life and has more energy and adventure in her system than I do! Take our trip to Israel in the spring of 2011. She was going non stop, wanting to see everything—again, since she’s been before. I was blown away by her capacity to keep going and going. After a day of sightseeing, climbing through the cobblestone streets of Jerusalem, tasting the historic air, she wanted to see the underground tunnels under the Wailing Wall at 11:00PM. I was wiped. So her and my brother (who also takes after her “go get ‘em, lets do everything right now!” attitude) went with her.

Aside from being a joy to be around, she is a rock. She offers Godly wisdom on a daily basis, always turning to the Lord for help, and directing her children to Him. She is also a fountain of wisdom when it comes to food and health. She can cook like no one else, and serves her family by making gourmet meals every night. That in itself is gift, because she instilled the importance of healthy and creative cooking in me with her fabulous meals. “This is made with almond flour! These have no sugar in them!” She reads recipe books for fun, which is also something I’ve picked up from her.

But the thing I love most about my mother, is her capacity to love, and love well. She was there for two of the most physically intense moments of my life: my spinal surgery in 2000 and the birth of my baby girl this year. When I think of someone that can offer me the greatest support, I think of my mum.

My surgery was painful, with a long recovery and a bumpy transition back to the real world. I distinctly remember my first cleansing after the surgery. I was still bound with bandages, my curly hair was knotty beyond repair, my legs were like jello, my temperament was dark. I was upset, I was terrified, I was coming down from my drug induced state, and I was mean. I yelled at her, taking out my anger and sadness at what had occurred in the operating room, because she was my mum. Sometimes the ones we love and trust the most are the ones that receive the greatest backlash. The morphine was wearing off, and my mind was mush. But I do remember sitting in the shower, while my mum gathered my hair in her hands and worked her fingers through the knots, massaging conditioner into the dry and broken strands, flinching when I flinched. My tears mixed with the dried blood running down my back, and the warm water from the shower head. I felt broken beyond repair. At 16, my body and confidence was shattered and I knew it would be a long road to recovery. She spoke lovingly to me, soothing my heart and my mind. She loved me unconditionally, when I had nothing to give her but silence and tears. She washed my wounds. She applied fresh bandages and tucked me into bed. She walked with me around the neighborhood, while I clutched her arm for support and bit my lips to keep from crying in rage and frustration.

Not only was I terrified, but I’m sure she was too. I can’t imagine watching Florence being wheeled down the hall on an operating bed, praying that the surgery wouldn’t paralyze her, praying that everything would be fine, praying that my mother heart wouldn’t break right out of me and crash to the floor in sorrow.

Mother, you are my hero.

My mum came to visit me in India, a trip that would ignite a passion in her for the country. She has been back many times, and always comes home full of life and miracles. She is not afraid of anything. She loves people. She is kind. She is compassionate.

Mum spent a day with me at the maternity hospital in Hyderabad, 2007.

And finally, just 2 months ago in March, my mum came and offered me the greatest support a mother can give. She helped pass the time, while I waited for my child to come. We walked and talked and drank tea. She sewed Indian curtains for Florence’s room, she cooked and cleaned. And when the time was right, and my water broke and contractions started coming fast and strong, she was there.

She was the quiet presence in the room, while the doula took over and began coaching me through my contractions. Her and Jay radiated such peace and strength. I picked up on it and fell into my labor, accepting the contractions, allowing Florence to make her way into the world.

mum and my doula.

I always felt her hands. I heard her voice. I smelled her sweet perfume, gentle enough to remind me that mum was there, familiar and warm. She’s been through this. She birthed me. I can do this.

And when things began to really pick up, and I felt a part of me bowing to the pressure of labor, she was gently loving and supporting me, telling me with her hands and smiles, that my body could do this, that I was doing it, and that she was proud of me. That she was confident.

When Florence made her appearance into the world and all was said and done, she sat by Jay and wept as my sweet baby cried her first cry and flailed her fists and stretched her legs.

There is no one quite like your mama. Cherish her, crown her with love and respect, thank her for all that she’s done.

Mum, now that I’ve become a mother, and made you a grandmother, I recognize the sacrifices you have made for me and the family. Thank you for choosing to passionately love life and others. Thank you for walking through the valleys of pain with me. Thank you for journeying through the euphoric world of childbirth with me, trusting me to give birth naturally, encouraging me, casting out any fear in the birthing room.

mum with 4 day old Florence.

You have a beautiful heart. You are radiant. You are life giving.

I love you mama.

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